Monday, October 13, 2008
Take me Home!?
I went back to work today. I thought it would be a good thing to get back into my normal routine and keep busy. All my friends at work were so happy to see me back and have been amazingly supportive. However, I realized after being there just into the first hour of the day that I did not want to be there. I wanted to be at home in bed alone. That is scarry! I know I need to go on but I dont know how to yet. I feel like my life as ended with my daddy! Bruce reads my emotions so well, and has been there everytime I needed to cry or just needed to have him hold me. Its all been like a really bad movie and the can't shake it from my memory. I have to make myself remember all the good times with my daddy in my childhood, fishing, camping, softball games. My adulthood when he told me how proud he was of me when I graduated college, to have him be able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Things I cherish and will never forget but the last memory I have is watching him take his last breathe and I just can't stop reliving it day after day. Part of me feels like I disspointed him, because on that last day he yelled at me and my brother to take him home. I know deep inside of me he was "going home" and that maybe that is what he was talking about, but the outside part that hurts so bad right now feels like I denied him his last request to take him home, back to Lyons.
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4 comments:
I told you the other day, that there is NO time frame on grief. All of us deal with it differently. All you can do is get out of bed (yes that is one thing you have to do!) and put one foot in front of the other. The rest will fall in to place. It will get easier each month, then each week, then each day and every hour and minute. Yeah I went backwards. Start slow, YOUR dad loved you very much. But you know he wouldn't want you to hurt. So just take care of yourself. Everyone will be there for you when you need it. And they will leave you alone when you need that too!
Just keep holding on to them memories that you have and the love that each of you had for each other.
You know I really really hate mushy stuff!
Hey there. I can't imagine how you feel knowing your dad was yelling at you to take him home. I do know however that it was not him talking. I think it was the morphine and I truly believe that. I also think that he was talking about going to Heaven and not Lyons. I have relived that over and over in my mind and I really think he was in so much pain he was wanting to be released from it and have us all let him go. I won't pretend to know how you feel as he was not my father but I loved him like a father and I hate that you and Mike and your mom are goign thru this. If you ever need to just talk or anything please let me know. I am glad that you have Bruce as he seems to be very good for you. Take care of yourself as you know your dad would want you to and not to be sad. It would break his heart if he knew how sad you were. Take care of yourself...
I know in my head you are both so right and just cant seem to get there just yet...
I agree w/ Lisa, they say mass amounts of Morphine make people mean. But it wasn't directed at you. it was directed at the pain.
You will get there, your heart just needs time to deal w/ the reality that your head already knows.
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