Numbness

That is all I feel right now..Numb. I keep thinking I may actually start going through the stages of grief any day now but I am not. One minute I am fine as if everything is right in the world and my daddy is alive and just a phone call away. The next minute I am having a breakdown and my heart is breaking. But mostly I just exsist and walk around in a fog not really feeling anything. I want to be sad, I want to be angry but I can't. I know it is said that time heels all pain but right now I can not even begin to imagine that feeling. I love my daddy and miss him so much. The mental picture in my head of watching him in that hospital bed taking his very last breathe wakes me up at night and keeps me awake every night. Its like someone keeps hitting rewind and playing it over and over and it just wont stop and I dont know how to make it stop. My daddy used to tell me that he was too stubborn to die, a part of me always held on to that and believed it. But it wasnt true and now I have to figure out how I am going to go on without him. I cant even bring myself to delete his phone number from me cell phone, like if its still there I can still call him anytime I want, if I delete it that just confirms that he is truly gone. I got to say goodbye, I got to say I love you Daddy, but it just wasnt enough........