Another Funeral

My Uncle Vance passed away. Actaully I have known for a fwe days now but jut couldnt bring myself to post here. I have had a long talk on the phone with my cousin Cheryl, yet I feel so torn and feel like I am letting her down so how. The funeral is Saturday. So in all reality I could drive to Kansas after work Friday, go the funeral Saturday, then come back home on Sunday and not miss any work. But I am not. I want to be there for her and her brothers as they were for me when my dad passed. But I can't. I told Cheryl several reasons, 1)money it always tight and right now its especially tight from our 2 week stay in Kansas already. So making another trip would really hurt the pocket book. 2) Mine and Bruce's anniversary is Monday so we had some plans for this weekend(partly for the anniversary and partly he really wants to do something together and for me to have some fun because I haven't had any in a long time). and 3) I emotionally can not handle it right now. And that makes me feel like I am letting my family down, beign selfish and I feel guilty. Of course Cheryl and her brothers are all OK with me not coming home and totally understand and dont even expect me to be there. In part excuses 1 and 2 are just that, excuses to make me feel better for the real reason number 3. I can not deal with it so I am going to avoid it.

Does it Really get Easier?

I dont think so! It hurts as much today as it did Oct 5th. I talked to a lady at the gym today that I have become friends with. She lost her dad 17 years ago. She said it still hurts just as much today as it did then, the only thing that gets her through the day sometimes is knowing she will see him again, and she said the older she gets the more she looks forward to that day. That thought does bring me some comfort but the pain over loads it still. Today I was in a really good mood at work and was enjoying the kids I was working with at the time, as soon as they were gone and back to class I was sitting at my desk doing paper work and BAM! I lost it and started crying and couldnt stop! No reason, I wasn't even thinking about daddy at the time! I know people say take one day at a time, for me right now its on minute at a time!

Life and Death

So in the past weeks it has seemed to be all about death! My daddy and Uncle Vance, who for now is still alive but being transferred to hospice. Today my cousin Cheryl called with some good news! Her son Christopher is a new daddy to a baby boy! Don't have all the details as far as weight and all that, heck I don't even know his name! LOL!

Feeling Guilty

So I have been thinking about what I will do if Uncle Vance does not make it. A small part of me wants to go back to Kansas for the funeral. Mostly to be support for my cousins that where there for me the last 2 weeks. A bigger part of me doesn't want anything to do with it! I do not nor do I think I can handle a funeral right now. I know my cousins will completely understand. Today on the phone Cheryl told me as much, that my support for her by phone is all she needs and does not expect me or anyone in my family to do more than than because our own pain is still raw. So why do I feel guilty for not wanting to go home!?

Life Totally SUCKS!

My cousin Cheryl called tonight. Her dad my Uncle Vance was in the hospital when my dad was. She is on her way home again, because he is not doign well and is not expected to recover! Cheryl, Ed, Brian and Doug just lost their mom(My dad's little sister) not that long ago. Why is all this happening?? I want to be angry at someone have someone to blame, but I just dont know who that is!? I seem to have lost my way as well! All the time dad was sick and dieing I had awesome faith is His will being done and that daddy would from peace. Since his funeral I have not prayed once, I can still feel His presence but I just cant seem to let the words come. I miss my daddy! If anyone is reading this please pray for my Uncle Vance and family.

Take me Home!?

I went back to work today. I thought it would be a good thing to get back into my normal routine and keep busy. All my friends at work were so happy to see me back and have been amazingly supportive. However, I realized after being there just into the first hour of the day that I did not want to be there. I wanted to be at home in bed alone. That is scarry! I know I need to go on but I dont know how to yet. I feel like my life as ended with my daddy! Bruce reads my emotions so well, and has been there everytime I needed to cry or just needed to have him hold me. Its all been like a really bad movie and the can't shake it from my memory. I have to make myself remember all the good times with my daddy in my childhood, fishing, camping, softball games. My adulthood when he told me how proud he was of me when I graduated college, to have him be able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Things I cherish and will never forget but the last memory I have is watching him take his last breathe and I just can't stop reliving it day after day. Part of me feels like I disspointed him, because on that last day he yelled at me and my brother to take him home. I know deep inside of me he was "going home" and that maybe that is what he was talking about, but the outside part that hurts so bad right now feels like I denied him his last request to take him home, back to Lyons.

Numbness

That is all I feel right now..Numb. I keep thinking I may actually start going through the stages of grief any day now but I am not. One minute I am fine as if everything is right in the world and my daddy is alive and just a phone call away. The next minute I am having a breakdown and my heart is breaking. But mostly I just exsist and walk around in a fog not really feeling anything. I want to be sad, I want to be angry but I can't. I know it is said that time heels all pain but right now I can not even begin to imagine that feeling. I love my daddy and miss him so much. The mental picture in my head of watching him in that hospital bed taking his very last breathe wakes me up at night and keeps me awake every night. Its like someone keeps hitting rewind and playing it over and over and it just wont stop and I dont know how to make it stop. My daddy used to tell me that he was too stubborn to die, a part of me always held on to that and believed it. But it wasnt true and now I have to figure out how I am going to go on without him. I cant even bring myself to delete his phone number from me cell phone, like if its still there I can still call him anytime I want, if I delete it that just confirms that he is truly gone. I got to say goodbye, I got to say I love you Daddy, but it just wasnt enough........