Testing 1-2-3

Its been a LONG week! And its still not over! Testing 1: Tuesday I went in for the radioactive survey and only partially passed. At a distance my levels are good and I go into public and have casual contact, but at close I am still radioactive which means I still can not go to work because I work with kids upclose and I still have to sleep alone without my husband or dogs! I keep telling myself its better than the alternative as chemo/radiation and being sick and losing my hair but that doesnt help me much at night when I have to go to bed alone when I need the comfort from my husband the most! Testing 2: Was today at Arlington Cancer Center for the thyroid cell scan, this shows if the radiation went all to the thyroid area or other places in my body that may contain cancer. Painless procedure just very nerve racking to know that there may be other areas containing cancer still. The test is over but now I have to wait until Monday afternoon to get the results from it. I guess the biggest concern is "sometimes" thyroid cancer cells go to lymph nodes to and in some cases they need removed to depending on the situation I guess. Testing 3: Tomorrow (Thursday) I go back for another radiation scan to check the up close range again although I was told yesterday that more than likely I wont be able to go back to work until Monday! Ugh! I know I should just relax and concentrate on getting healthy! Good news is I can start synthyroid tomorrow morning so soon I will start getting some energy back on the road to normalacy again. Since Friday I have slept about 90 percent of day and night! Its the only thing I seem to want to do right now is sleep!! Of course the doctors are yeah so sleep its normal it will get better! I guess the best news no matter the outcome of the radioactive test tomorrow is I am clear enough to at least go to church this coming up weekend, we havent been able to go the last 2 weeks and I am so ready to go back! Looking forward to it! Now however its time for another nap!
I'm Blessed

Lady and the Boys

We are doggy sitting this weekend! Losy timing since I have to limit my time around them but we couldnt say no to Greg and Stephanie, they have done so much for us, for me the past few months. They have two dogs Lady and Molly. Molly is just a puppy, we agreed to take her even though I am really not to be around puppies just adult dogs, Greg and Steph were aware of the possible side effects but just couldnt find anyone else to take her. I had alot of anxiety about hurting the puppy someway with radiation. 10 minutes before Greg left home last nite to bring them over he found some one to keep Molly! Thank God! I was so worried about it. So we just have Lady, who you can tell by the name is a female dog. One female with my three boys! Oh boy!! LOL! They have all met before so we really didnt expect any major issues but its been interesting! She is on their territory but seems to be in control..! Max is old and grumpy and just doesnt care as long as she stays away from his tennis balls and his food dish. Good thing Lady perfers chew ropes I guess as opposed to tennis balls! LOL Max cherishes his tennis balls wont even let Blaze or Gunner have them! Blaze keep showing interest in her and wanting to play with her but anytime he gets near her she growls and he backs down. Hangs his head walks away like well ok then if you want to be that way about it! Which is too funny since Blaze is a good foot taller and about 40 pounds heavier than Lady! Poor Gunner! He really wants to play play play!! Finally a dog his size and age but now that he has seen what she does to Blaze, Gunner is scared of her! Thats my Gunner shy and timid! So I guess its safe to say that the "bitch" is in control here! LOL! I dont know weather to be ashamed of my boys for letting the female come into their territory and take control or be proud of them for showing her respect! LOL! LOL! As long as they all keep getting along I guess its all good!!
On another note in 45 minutes I am out of seculsion! So I can at least start sitting out in the living room with the dogs for some time and tonite can be in the same room with Bruce but just keep a 6 foot distance! Something to look forward to today!

I'm Blessed

Radiation and other news

Well its done and official. I am radioactive. I swallowed a very large blue pill at 10am this morning! For the 48 hours I have to remain totally isolated from everyone. Then after that for the next 4 to 6 days I have to maintain a 6 foot distance from anyone. Blaze and Gunner keep whining at the door and it just breaks my heart to listen to them and not let them in the room with me. But its for their own good if only they could understand that! So today the oncologists tells me that loosing weight right now will be impossible! I thought for sure with this diet I am on I would loose s good amount but he said not to count on it. Not only that but he said it will be weeks if not months before the meds I start next week will be in my system enough to even make weight loss possible! That is sooo frustrating and dissapointing! I know I have to concentrate on my health and being cancer free but loosing weight is also my health right now so its hard not to just let it go. On the good note he did say that once I was on the right dosage of Snythroid and my levels were back to normal with good diet and exercise weight will not fall off but WILL come off probably easier than people with normal thyroids because he is going to keep my levels low as opposed to normal! But thats months away....and all who know me know I am not patient! Lord please grant me patience!! Even though I am complaing and depressed right now I know it will all turn out good and I will be cancer free and I will loose weight because I am blessed! Just having the patience to see it through right now I am struggling with!

I'm Blessed

An Answered Prayer

All the way from Kansas back to Fort Worth I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to write in my blog(when I wasnt sleeping of course..LOL) I had so many things, just being home, grandma, my dad!, everything about the trip! But when I did get to Fort Worth and called my mom to tell her we had made it home OK that all changed nothing else seem to matter more than this! Billy! I have know for sometime now that Billy's days where coming to an end! That dog is so much more than a dog. He has been through everything with my dad for nearly 16 years! At times when the weather was too hot or too cold and dad couldnt go anywhere for days Billy was his only companion and faithful to the end! At one time my dad went NO where with out Billy riding along in the front seat. They were quite a pair. When I got home Saturday and saw Billy my heart just broke I knew his time was now. I picked him up and talked to him told him that is was the most special dog in the world and God was waiting for him to play with the tennis ball. I started praying right then that God would have mercy on Billy and let him go in his sleep at home with dad they way he would want to go and not suffer anymore. Also I didnt want my parents to have to actaully make the decision (although they already had) to put him to sleep. I didnt want that burben on them. I prayed all night and first thing Sunday morning started praying again. God answered that prayer! When I called Mom to tell her we were home safe she said Billy had fallen asleep in his favorite place and is now at peace! God Bless! My heart is breaking but also is relieved that god answered that prayer! Even though it was and is still hard for my dad to deal with it right now he had already accepted it and was as ready as you can be for that sort of thing, again I thank God for that. I know my dad has said many many times that he would never have another dog after Billy, I hope in a year or so he may change his mind, there is nothing more comforting than the loyality and love of a dog when you are confined to home. I know in the past few months when I have been going through my surgeries and stuff my three boys have been there the whole way cuddling when I need a hug, just present when I dont want to be alone, and holding me up when I am about to fall. Some people may say oh they are just dogs. But to me they are just as important any other family member! God Bless Billy! I love you and miss you!! Have fun in doggy heaven! Just a side note...For the first 4 years of Blaze's life he always went home with me and played with Billy and shared food and toys with Billy. The last 2 years Blaze has not gone because I now have 3 dogs just not one. That is too many puppies in my moms house..LOL! oh poor Billy! Anyway this time when Bruce and I were leaving for Lyons I told him I wanted to take Blaze. I didnt know why it was never an issue before I just felt I needed and wanted to take Blaze. I now believe it was God saying take Blaze so he to has his chance to say goodbye to Billy! Max and Gunner only met Billy once so I guess thats why I didnt feel the same about them going. So we did ! We took Blaze home with us this weekend and I so glad now that I listened to my heart(God speaking to me) and took Blaze!

I'm Blessed

Hunter's Visit

What a blessed day! I got to see Hunter! He was released from the hospital a few days ago. His dad brought him to school this morning for a short visit. He was only allowed to stay for 10 minutes and had to stand in the doorway of the classroom, only me and Sandy could be near him the rest of the kids had to stay about 4 feet back from him to not spread nasty germs! LOL He was in such good spirits (I think he thinks its cool getting all the attention and has no idea how sick he really is) His hands, arms and face are very puffy and his hair is thinning already on spots but other wise he looked great!! He kept pulling down his shirt to show off his "bump" thats what he calls it..its the port for his chemo. He was all smiles and just happy! It was great to see him that way the last imagine of him I had in my head was a very sick little boy, now that has been replaced with his normal cheerful and radiant smile! God Bless for that!
On another note..I am so excited about going home tomorrow! I cant wait to see my dad! I know this trip is going to wear me out and I have to be very careful not to get myself sick as well by over doing it! But I just keep holding on to the fact it will all be over soon! The hardest thing right now for me is going home and trying to be "perky" with lack of other terms to put it in. I dont want my dad to know how tired and run down I really am I think that would just make it worse for him so I am going to take whatever energy I have and act like its all good and let him know I am going to be just fine because I am blessed by God!

Not so hard

Well I have completed day two of the low iodine diet. Its not so bad! Yeah its really restrictive and I am wanting all kinds of things I can not have but its easy to stick to it because I know in this case it is a matter of having cancer or being cancer free..what a motivator! I am not looking forward to the weekend though, thats when I have the hardest time counting points and sticking to things and this weekend its going to be worse because we are going to Kansas to see family. Granted my mom and my mother in law are both going out of their way to have on hand the things I need which of course make me feel bad, I hate it! I know they are doing it out of love and support for me but I hate that they have to go buy things they will probably never use again and spend money that they neither one have on me, makes me feel so guilty! I am sooooo looking forward to going home to see my mom and my dad, I start crying everytime I think about seeing my dad. I havent seen him since I was diagnosed! as well I am looking forward to seeing my mother in law and grandma! Grandma searched all day today to find a cake or cookie recipe that she could make for me that had no eggs or dairy or salt in it! God bless that women! Yeah she is technically Bruce's grandma but she is mine too! Thank God for her one more reason to show how blessed I am! Well I have been running on fumes most of the day, every day gets harder and harder I am so tired, but the good days are just around the corner, on that note I am going to bed!
I am Blessed

M-O-T-H-E-R

M is for the Many ways she shows her love
O is for how Often she help
T is for the Terrific times we share
H is for the Happiness she brings her family
E is for Every special day with her
R is for the Really nice things about her

M-O-T-H-E-R is a special word and that word means LOVE!

I'm Blessed

A step in the right direction

Went to me Weight Watchers meeting today! With much surprise I lost 1.2 pounds! Not enough to get me back to where I was before I gained a bunch last week but it is in the right direction so I am pleased with that. Tomorrow I start the low iodine diet. I am sure I will lose weight while on it I almost have to considering what I will be eating or lack of what I will be eating.
The latest news on Hunter(see post titled Hunter) is that he will start chemo as soon as he over the pnumonia he has. He will not be returning to school for a long time, they are estimating that he will be doing chemo for nearly 2 years! He will have to be home schooled for now. A take a look at what this poor child is going through and will be facing and I reflect on it and praise God for the blessing that I dont have to face those mountains that Hunter is. I wish with all I have that Hunter did not have to as well, but for what ever reason it is Gods plan. I am truly blessed! I have the best parents in the world and even though I am 38years old I am still their "little girl" and know I can looked to them for anything I need. I have been blessed with the greatest husband in the world who would literally change the world for me if it was within his power. Just as I had given up on ever finding someone to spend my life with God sent me this wonderful man! I have the most amazing family my brother Mike, my sister in law Lisa, my nephews Trey and Con, my cousin Cheryl who again I know would do anything for me if I asked. I am blessed with them as they are blessed as well. My friends Becky(even though at times she threatens to kick my you know what..LOL) Shawna, Stephanie, Greg, Becki..all have been so supportive and encouraging when I needed it! They all make me feel loved and truely blessed. Thank you God!

I'm Blessed

So far so good!

I restarted WW again on Sunday and so far its going good! I have stayed with in my points everyday and I worked out Monday and Tuesday. I havent worked out yet tonite but I plan to as soon as I done here on the computer. I got the radiation schedule in the mail today..man for the next 4 weeks I will be doing nothing but going to the Doctor it seems...13th I have to start that low iodine diet(yum yum) 17th I have to do lab that pretty much tests my blood for everything under the sun! 23rd is radiation day at 10am...then my week long seclusion begins! I am so not looking forward to this I cry everytime I think about it. Not only can I not sleep in the same bed as my husband but the boys cant even sleep with me. I have not slept alone in so many years I dont know if I can will be able to now. 29th they do a radiation survery to see how much radiation is still in me. 30th I have to go to Arlington to the cancer center for a full body radiation scan..this is new to me so I will be calling the Dr. tomorrow to find out what the heck this is. Then June 4th at 2pm I see Dr Ammoson(oncologists) follow up and 4pm the same day I see Dr Elliott(surgeon) They will be working together to get me started on Synthroid then turn it over to Dr Addy my regular Dr. After the 4th its weeks and weeks...into possible months of lab works as well. Sound exciting doesnt it!? I can hardly wait..OK I know I sound negative about the whole thing I am trying not to and keep praying to God for strength and guidance to get through it. Right now I just cant see the end of the long road ahead so it feels helpless...I feel helpless and scared and come the week of radiation you can add lonely to the list I am sure. I am not asking anyway to feel sorry for me I know this whole thing could be so much worse than it is I am the lucky one I have a cancer that easily treated and cured but I still have cancer and its scary and overwhelming most days, even when I pray I feel the release of it all but then when I least expect it it all comes back with a vengence. God Please help me I need your strength to get through this. I keep getting referred back to the old saying of Footprints in the Sand..even though there is only one set of footprints I know God is there with me carrying me through this.

I am Blessed!

A new focus

So I went to WW today knowing I would have a gain! In the past I would have either not gone at all or would have gone to the meeting but not weigh in. Today I went and I weighed in. Yes I gained, gained 4 pounds in fact! After the meeting I was talking to a WW member her name is Jeanne. She said 5 years ago she was going through chemo and radiation for breast cancer. She said during that time she stayed on the program and worked out when her body would let her. She said during this time she gained weight. She had to realize that being cancer free had to be the focus not weight loss. She stayed on the program she said for two reasons..one it kept her healthier by eating right and two to keep in the habit of counting points. After she was cancer free the weight came off and she never felt better. Staying on the program is what helped her the most she said. My new focus for the next several weeks is not weight loss it is healthy mind and body by eating right and limiting exercise to 20 minutes on treadmill or ellipitcal each day and 20 minutes of easy strength training/pilates, focusing on stress relieve and toning body to loose inches not so much the weight.
Thought of the day from Renny at WW: Though you cant go back and make a brand new start, you can tart now and make a brand new ending~!

I am BLESSED

Hunter

Why God? I know everything happens for a reason. I know everything has a purpose. And I know its all a part of Gods plan and is meant to be! That being said what is Gods plan for Hunter. Hunter is a little boy in my class. He will be 5 years old in August. The last 2 weeks he has been sick off and on. He has asthma and has been needing more and more breathing treatments throughout the day while at school, the doctors at one point where concerned about his heart as well. His parents are VERY young and have no insurance so they have not been able to afford to do some of the testing the doctors wanted to do. Now they have no choice. Tuesday afternoon Hunter walked up behind me pulling on my shirt, I looked down at him his face was pale his lips where purple and he was gasping for air. I yelled down the hall for help someone came and got him and took him to the office right away for a breathing treatment and to call his dad. Wednesday morning when Hunters dad brought his little sister to school he told us that over night Hunter was admitted to Cooks Children Hospital. Today they got the news that Hunter had Lukemia. I completly fell apart when I heard this today. He is 5! what purpose does God have for a child of any age to have this sickening disease. Dont get me wrong I am not questioning Gods plan or doubting him in any way, I just dont understand! For now I guess all I can do is pray for Hunter, his sister Hailey and his parents. God Bless Hunter! and please God whatever it is you have planned for Hunter dont let him suffer!

I am Blessed

Emotional Eating

I have been SOOOOOOOOOO out of control this week! I can not stop eating and making very bad decisions on what I do eat. I had the emotional eating under control and I was in control of it until 2 weeks ago. The stress and anxiety of all the surgeries, the fact that I have cancer, and the radiation still ahead has totally unraveled my life. Come Saturday when it is time to weigh in I will so pay for those decisions I know I will have a gain this week. Sunday I am restarting and taking back that control. Its too late to do anything about it now to stop a gain from happening on Saturday so I am just going to ease my way back into and keep praying to God for guidance and strength. Of couse in another week I will have no choice anyway because I will have to be on the low iodine diet before and after radiation. I have also let the fatigue take control this week and havent worked out at all I have been in bed by 830pm slept all night and still wake up tired. I just have to see it through the doctors said it will be this way until I can start snythroid after radiation. So along with taking back the control of eating on Sunday I am also making a commitment to workout even if it is just 20 muinutes a day I have to do something. Bruce says not to that I need to conserve my energy. But there is no energy to conserve so I might as well just push through the tiredness and keep going, even if I fall on my face out of exhaustion. I was so excited about starting to run again not the thought of running makes me want to fall down and cry. I am getting a new treadmill in the next 2 weeks so I may just wait until I get that one before I start because it it a totally different one than the one I have and may have different effect on how and run and the energy for it. Now I have to go take a nap before I have to go back to work.....God please bless me with the energy to get through this day and to get my life back!

I am Blessed!