Feeling Guilty

So I have been thinking about what I will do if Uncle Vance does not make it. A small part of me wants to go back to Kansas for the funeral. Mostly to be support for my cousins that where there for me the last 2 weeks. A bigger part of me doesn't want anything to do with it! I do not nor do I think I can handle a funeral right now. I know my cousins will completely understand. Today on the phone Cheryl told me as much, that my support for her by phone is all she needs and does not expect me or anyone in my family to do more than than because our own pain is still raw. So why do I feel guilty for not wanting to go home!?

Life Totally SUCKS!

My cousin Cheryl called tonight. Her dad my Uncle Vance was in the hospital when my dad was. She is on her way home again, because he is not doign well and is not expected to recover! Cheryl, Ed, Brian and Doug just lost their mom(My dad's little sister) not that long ago. Why is all this happening?? I want to be angry at someone have someone to blame, but I just dont know who that is!? I seem to have lost my way as well! All the time dad was sick and dieing I had awesome faith is His will being done and that daddy would from peace. Since his funeral I have not prayed once, I can still feel His presence but I just cant seem to let the words come. I miss my daddy! If anyone is reading this please pray for my Uncle Vance and family.

Take me Home!?

I went back to work today. I thought it would be a good thing to get back into my normal routine and keep busy. All my friends at work were so happy to see me back and have been amazingly supportive. However, I realized after being there just into the first hour of the day that I did not want to be there. I wanted to be at home in bed alone. That is scarry! I know I need to go on but I dont know how to yet. I feel like my life as ended with my daddy! Bruce reads my emotions so well, and has been there everytime I needed to cry or just needed to have him hold me. Its all been like a really bad movie and the can't shake it from my memory. I have to make myself remember all the good times with my daddy in my childhood, fishing, camping, softball games. My adulthood when he told me how proud he was of me when I graduated college, to have him be able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Things I cherish and will never forget but the last memory I have is watching him take his last breathe and I just can't stop reliving it day after day. Part of me feels like I disspointed him, because on that last day he yelled at me and my brother to take him home. I know deep inside of me he was "going home" and that maybe that is what he was talking about, but the outside part that hurts so bad right now feels like I denied him his last request to take him home, back to Lyons.

Numbness

That is all I feel right now..Numb. I keep thinking I may actually start going through the stages of grief any day now but I am not. One minute I am fine as if everything is right in the world and my daddy is alive and just a phone call away. The next minute I am having a breakdown and my heart is breaking. But mostly I just exsist and walk around in a fog not really feeling anything. I want to be sad, I want to be angry but I can't. I know it is said that time heels all pain but right now I can not even begin to imagine that feeling. I love my daddy and miss him so much. The mental picture in my head of watching him in that hospital bed taking his very last breathe wakes me up at night and keeps me awake every night. Its like someone keeps hitting rewind and playing it over and over and it just wont stop and I dont know how to make it stop. My daddy used to tell me that he was too stubborn to die, a part of me always held on to that and believed it. But it wasnt true and now I have to figure out how I am going to go on without him. I cant even bring myself to delete his phone number from me cell phone, like if its still there I can still call him anytime I want, if I delete it that just confirms that he is truly gone. I got to say goodbye, I got to say I love you Daddy, but it just wasnt enough........

4 Sale

Well just when life is going along smoothly something pops up and throws you a curve ball! The house we live in we rent but the owner has given us free reign to do whatever we want to do as long as it improves the property and well not even batting a eye at the fact we have 6 dogs! Well a few weeks ago she calls and wants to know if we are interested in buying the house! We have talked about it in the past because we like the houes and love the neighborhood but never really looked into! Well she wants to sell it! Of couse in the past 2 months we have had some finacial issues arise with the property management business in Kansas that has left us getting by pay check to pay check! I know everyone has been there and I also know it will not be like this forever but infortunetly its comes at time that we may not be able to qualify to buy the house! Bruce has other mortages already on his rentals in Kansas so we would have to qualify to buy a house here totally on my credit and income! The credit is OK and not the problem! Income could be! I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE!! I really like where we live and our neighbors! There are not that many people out there that are willing to rent to people with 6 dogs! This house is perfect for us as far as locations to our jobs, the big yard for the dogs , the price, the rooms/space, no carpet(dog hair issues) I just have to put my faith in God and believe that he will provide for us and most times I do, but sometimes I let those doubts creep in and get me all stressed out about the whole thing! Moving could possibly mean we loose some of the dogs and that for me is NOT an option! We have until the first of the year to make it work! Pray please!

Just another Day

Not too much exciting stuff going on around here! Same old stuff! Another weekend spent working on one of Bruce's remodel jobs! But hopefully rest is in sight! At least for me! LOL A friend of ours has experience in remodel as well and he is going to start helping Bruce on his jobs so I won't have to! yeah! Not complaining really most of the time I don't mind helping but its just not my thing I do not want to do it! So I am happy that Daniel will be helping! We started a vegetable garden this year! Its growing really good! We have corn, green beans, watermelon, lettuce, radish, cucumbers and potatoes. The carrots and celery never grew but everything else is really doing well. I already picked some radishes that were ready and man they were tasty! Cucumbers were growing, but appartenly there was one spot in the fence we built around it that was big enough for little miss Candy Cane to squeeze through! She has a thing for cucumbers because she ate them all! Bruce was mad but I thought it was funny! The fence has been fixed so she cant get it there now! Well I am exhausted from working in the heat all weekend with Buce so I am off to a shower and a good nights sleep, back to summer school tomorrow!

Summer School

I decided to teach summer school this year. Its just 4 hours a day, 4 days a week to two 3 week sessions. So I will still have a big part of my summer off. We are just two days into it and I am loving it! I am working with 6 and 7 year old autistic boys. I have 5 in my class and they are all boys! They are so energetic and full of love! It makes me remember why my place in this world is too work in special ed. There is such a thrill I get from this kids that I just can't explain! Sometimes I think I learn more from them than they do from me! LOL !