Numbness

That is all I feel right now..Numb. I keep thinking I may actually start going through the stages of grief any day now but I am not. One minute I am fine as if everything is right in the world and my daddy is alive and just a phone call away. The next minute I am having a breakdown and my heart is breaking. But mostly I just exsist and walk around in a fog not really feeling anything. I want to be sad, I want to be angry but I can't. I know it is said that time heels all pain but right now I can not even begin to imagine that feeling. I love my daddy and miss him so much. The mental picture in my head of watching him in that hospital bed taking his very last breathe wakes me up at night and keeps me awake every night. Its like someone keeps hitting rewind and playing it over and over and it just wont stop and I dont know how to make it stop. My daddy used to tell me that he was too stubborn to die, a part of me always held on to that and believed it. But it wasnt true and now I have to figure out how I am going to go on without him. I cant even bring myself to delete his phone number from me cell phone, like if its still there I can still call him anytime I want, if I delete it that just confirms that he is truly gone. I got to say goodbye, I got to say I love you Daddy, but it just wasnt enough........

4 Sale

Well just when life is going along smoothly something pops up and throws you a curve ball! The house we live in we rent but the owner has given us free reign to do whatever we want to do as long as it improves the property and well not even batting a eye at the fact we have 6 dogs! Well a few weeks ago she calls and wants to know if we are interested in buying the house! We have talked about it in the past because we like the houes and love the neighborhood but never really looked into! Well she wants to sell it! Of couse in the past 2 months we have had some finacial issues arise with the property management business in Kansas that has left us getting by pay check to pay check! I know everyone has been there and I also know it will not be like this forever but infortunetly its comes at time that we may not be able to qualify to buy the house! Bruce has other mortages already on his rentals in Kansas so we would have to qualify to buy a house here totally on my credit and income! The credit is OK and not the problem! Income could be! I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE!! I really like where we live and our neighbors! There are not that many people out there that are willing to rent to people with 6 dogs! This house is perfect for us as far as locations to our jobs, the big yard for the dogs , the price, the rooms/space, no carpet(dog hair issues) I just have to put my faith in God and believe that he will provide for us and most times I do, but sometimes I let those doubts creep in and get me all stressed out about the whole thing! Moving could possibly mean we loose some of the dogs and that for me is NOT an option! We have until the first of the year to make it work! Pray please!

Just another Day

Not too much exciting stuff going on around here! Same old stuff! Another weekend spent working on one of Bruce's remodel jobs! But hopefully rest is in sight! At least for me! LOL A friend of ours has experience in remodel as well and he is going to start helping Bruce on his jobs so I won't have to! yeah! Not complaining really most of the time I don't mind helping but its just not my thing I do not want to do it! So I am happy that Daniel will be helping! We started a vegetable garden this year! Its growing really good! We have corn, green beans, watermelon, lettuce, radish, cucumbers and potatoes. The carrots and celery never grew but everything else is really doing well. I already picked some radishes that were ready and man they were tasty! Cucumbers were growing, but appartenly there was one spot in the fence we built around it that was big enough for little miss Candy Cane to squeeze through! She has a thing for cucumbers because she ate them all! Bruce was mad but I thought it was funny! The fence has been fixed so she cant get it there now! Well I am exhausted from working in the heat all weekend with Buce so I am off to a shower and a good nights sleep, back to summer school tomorrow!

Summer School

I decided to teach summer school this year. Its just 4 hours a day, 4 days a week to two 3 week sessions. So I will still have a big part of my summer off. We are just two days into it and I am loving it! I am working with 6 and 7 year old autistic boys. I have 5 in my class and they are all boys! They are so energetic and full of love! It makes me remember why my place in this world is too work in special ed. There is such a thrill I get from this kids that I just can't explain! Sometimes I think I learn more from them than they do from me! LOL !

Happy Fathers Day

I love living in Texas, 99% of the time! Today I am missing my Dad and wish I could be see him! Happy Fathers Day Daddy! Love you!
Last week I was off work all week, since school is out for the summer! It was so nice, just doing what I wanted and no time schedule to keep. Tomorrow I start my summer teaching job, elementary special ed summer school. I will be working with 5 6 year old autistic boys! I am excited I think it will be fun!
Tyler got to go home and is doing fine! I can't wait to see him for the first time.
Just a lazy Sunday afternoon here, just relaxing and enjoying the day! Its too hot to really go outside and do anything so I am just going to go get my book and read I think!

Pray for Tyler

My new little nephew has not been released from the hospital yet. He had lost over a pound since being born and has a high level of jaundice. I pray that God will heal him and he can go home tomorrow!

FOREVER

Its been forever since I posted on here! I really need to do better! Going to have plenty of time now since school is out for the summer so I am off work!! I am working part time this summer for special ed summer school. Its just 4 hours a day 4 days a week for 6 weeks! So I will still have plenty of time off this summer! I am actually really looking forward to that part time job, I will be working with 6 and 7 year old autistic kids. In all my years of special ed, and all the different disabilities I have worked with if I had to pick one to work with it would be autistic!

I have a new nephew!! Tyler was born June 3. I can't wait to see him, I hope I get the chance soon! I know his big brothers are so excited and are going to be great with him, although I bet Conner bosses him around! LOL!

My plan for the summer is to really focus on me! I am going to workout as much as possible and follow WW and I hope by the time school starts in August I have at least half the weight I want to loose off! I am so determined to do this its scary! I think it comes from that this time last year I had cancer and now I have this drive to be fit and healthy!